Thursday, June 12, 2008

Obesity is a terrible word

I have always had a problem with my weight. From the time I can remember I have always been heavy, overweight, and obese. I’m not blaming it on genetics or my parents. I blame myself. I have always had a problem with being active and social so I’ve always been the type to seclude myself in my room by myself and eat food. Food has always my comfort. Food has always been my best friend.

Facing the world has always been difficult and frightening for me. People are so judgemental. I have never been treated the way I deserve. I have always been made fun of, tormented, teased, disrespected, and ignored because of my weight.

When the internet came around it gave me the chance to be someone I’ve always wanted to be, me but skinny, pretty, funny, popular, and loved. I could be anyone I wanted online. So that’s what I did. I pretended to be someone I wasn’t. I got a web cam and took pictures of just my face. I managed to fool everyone. I learned techniques with the web cam to show how attractive I was without the fat. I angled the camera down to hide my double chin and pulled my hair down and in front of my face to hide my chubby cheeks.

When people would ask to see more of me I either refused or shared a photo of a body part that never belonged to me. I sent fake pictures so no one would question why I only have face shots.

Well the reason I am writing this is because living a double life is really exhausting. I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I am proud of myself the real me. I think it’s about time I tell the world who the real Mindy is.

Online Mindy and Real life Mindy are joining forces

Here I am world. I am Mindy; Yes I’m over weight and shy. However I’m still the same Mindy. I am funny, outgoing, friendly, creative, and interesting.

I am no longer going to lie or deceive people about myself. I am who I am and I can’t change that. I can however change my issues with my weight. I can lose weight and that I have been doing. I have lost 42 pounds (20 kilos) in the last 10 months. I have been working so hard to improve my appearance so I no longer will be ashamed of whom I am.

This all may come to a shock to a lot of people who I care about and still consider a friend. I am terribly sorry for lying and deceiving you all. I couldn’t do this any more. I can’t be someone I am not.

Sorry if I have hurt anyone in the process.


5 <3 me:

melyssa. said...

You are somewhat a mirror of myself.

Every time I read something more about you I see me.

It's so absolutely consuming and frightening because there's something I need to face that I deny all the time:

I'm not alone.

I can relate to one hundred percent of what you just wrote, down to the using other peoples photos to be someone else.

Been there. Lived through that. Hurt a lot of people in the crossfire but now I am stronger because of it.

Unfortunately, I, have not begun the climb to lose weight.

I know it's the one thing holding me back from being everything I feel I am inside and yet...

... I just...

... gah.

I don't know. I don't know how to be motivated. I don't know how to not be fat. I don't know who I am if I could no longer make fat jokes about myself so that everyone around me feels at ease with the elephant in the room (all pun intended).

I need to believe in that last little part of myself in order to break free from all this weight covering the best part of me that the world overloooks.

We shouldn't have to lose weight to properly be who we are and yet... it's something that really does hold us back.

I can't explain it but I know you know.

I don't feel the way I look when I close my eyes. I see a different reality, one that can be true if I make it.

If I can;t hide behind my fat and be defined as such... then what am I?

Fuck.

Next Saturday. You and me. Heart to heart conversation dude, seriously.

Respect Mindy, much respect.

~Melyssa x

floridagirlinsydney said...

You are so brave-- what a huge thing to do. I wish I could face up to what I need to do to empower myself like this.

Dina said...

Hi!

I found your blog via my cousin's blog.

I think this is an amazing post.

You are incredibly brave and wonderful.

I'm not overweight (yet!) but I've gained 40 pounds in the last two years.

I feel I'm always hiding the photos that show my size. As I get bigger and bigger, the amount of pictures where I look small gets less and less.

It's hard to show our real face when our society puts so much pressure on us to look skinny.

Thank you for having so much courage and honesty.

floridagirlinsydney said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

lol fatty